Not Qualifying Yourself and Making Others Qualify
Not qualifying yourself is an important concept for being high-value. Qualifying yourself means explaining yourself unnecessarily. Someone who is totally secure will typically deal in reality and then just get on with things. Someone who is insecure will often qualify and explain themselves and talk away their insecurities.
Let’s say you got negative feedback at work from your boss. The high-value guy who is confident in his work and relationship with his company will say “Sorry, it won’t happen again” or “It has been corrected. It won’t happen again.” The insecure person will start making excuses and make it seem like it’s not their fault. This makes them look weak, out of control, needy, or approval-seeking in the wrong way.
It looks bad if a girl gives you shit and you’re trying to explain yourself. You look insecure and lame if you overexplain why you want to move somewhere else with the girl. The person who is qualifying less in the interaction is typically the higher-value person. The person who is qualifying more is most likely the lower-value person.
The idea of not qualifying yourself is something you do naturally when you are high-value. You will qualify yourself less if you think you’re higher-value in the situation. You can work this backward. If you simply stop qualifying yourself, you will go further in your life.
There are some superpowers that Todd has. One is that he’s dealt with so much social pressure that it doesn’t affect him. The second one is the habit of not qualifying himself. In situations where people would get the instinct to justify or prove themselves, Todd has trained himself to have the opposite instinct. It would be weird for him if he were to feel the normal instinct of justifying himself.
Making others qualify themselves for you is a useful idea in game and social interactions. There are a few ways to do this. These range from very obvious to very non-obvious.
The most obvious way to get someone to qualify is to flat out ask. This would be asking an old school question like “You’re cute. Your beauty is common. What else do you have going for you?” The girl may do that if she likes you enough and is bought in enough. If it works, it will work well for you because she’s strongly in your frame. The problem is that it is easy to reject and it feels like game. It feels like heavy frame control and nobody wants to be frame controlled. If you do it too early on it, you can be put in a bad situation when she goes “Oh, nothing. I’m boring” or “I don’t know. You approached me. Why don’t you tell me?” This way is very high-risk and will derail things when it doesn’t work.
Challenging or teasing someone to qualify is a little better. You can state a value and challenge someone on that same value. If your value is fitness, you can say “I’m really into fitness and self-improvement. I feel like anybody stagnant is lame and boring. You go to the gym, right?” or something more positive like “You look like you go to the gym every once in a while.”
An even softer way is to put the value out there and leave it lingering. For example, you can say “I find anybody who has played something competitive where they had to be tested or challenged more interesting than people who just floated along and didn’t do much” and let it hang in the air for a second. The girl will respond with what teams she played in a lot of times. The nice thing is that you did not flat out ask. If they don’t qualify, there’s no real loss of social value or social capita.
One strong thing is to talk about them. People will qualify when the conversation is about them. If someone says “I noticed an interesting thing about you” to you, you’re automatically primed to be defensive or explain yourself. Nobody is going to qualify to “The weather’s nice out today” because there is no value or threat in it. Making the interaction about them or relevant to them is a good shortcut to get people to chase and qualify for you.
EXERCISE — Don't Qualify Yourself
Give yourself a time period and try not to qualify yourself during that period.
This can be done anywhere but should be mostly done in social situations. Ex. If you are at work, you can set an hour of not qualifying yourself.
You should be admitting to yourself when you are wrong about something.
Acknowledge that you’re doing the best in the situation where the next steps can be taken and don’t make excuses.
Accept what has happened in the past has happened in the past and what is happening right now is happening right now. You should be dealing with the situation at the moment and move on as best as you can without explaining it away.
Once a time period becomes easy to do, you should be increasing the time period until you’re virtually not qualifying yourself at all.
Be careful when applying the ideas of game into business.
It will backfire if you’re arrogant and don’t seem to care about anybody else.
This does not give you permission to be a frame control junkie and end in you being oblivious to others but it means to not give yourself excuses at a given situation.